Christmas Jokes that are Actually Funny
Tis the season for Christmas parties and with these parties comes a lot of meet-and-greet situations. Some of these people may be total strangers that you will probably never see again (until the following Christmas doo) or they could be family, in laws or colleges. Whatever the social situation is, you want to leave a good impression. You may be asking, “how do I do this?” Take out anything that has to do with becoming inebriated and dancing on the tables (with or without your pants on) or hitting on your boss’ significant other. These are funny for the other drunk guests, but inevitably leads to some post-party regrets (and perhaps an exciting new adventure into the world of unemployment).
To be a hit at the party brush up on some funny Christmas jokes instead. Don’t know any truly funny Christmas jokes? Then look no further, we have some clean fun jokes that are sure to make you memorable for at least a couple of hours (or until the effects of all the Christmas booze wears off).
Don't be this guy
Don’t be this guy1. Why a Women Would Want to be Santa
If you are a women then there’s no need to be left out of the jokey fun. Check out this list-set to grab their attention and make you even more appealing.
- No more early morning decisions or taking hours to put an outfit together for work
- No one would ask you for a ride
- One big black belt and you have all the accessories you will ever need
- Comfy footwear
- All your children would love and adore you all the time. Plus, behave themselves year round.
- You’d never mistake your coat for anyone elses
- You could get as fat as a house and call it a job requirement
Make 'em laugh
Make ’em laugh2. Funny One Liners
If one liners are your game, then we have some of the best to keep them chuckling and your face being the one everybody seeks out at the party.
- Newly married young man says, ‘My wife’s an angel’ Old retired man replies, ‘You’re lucky, mine is still alive’
- Good King Wenceslas phoned his order in for a pizza. The pizza guy asked him, ‘Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?’ [Note; be sure to sing the end of the punchline]
- Did you hear what a webmaster’s favorite hymn is? Oh, dot com all ye faithful! [Note; Perfect for the computer-tech crowd]
- The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. When I got home I rang her up and asked, ‘did you get my drift?’
- Ahh, Christmas. The one time of year everyone gets ‘santamental.’ [Note; if talking to parents with small children it could also be said using; Santa-mental]
Failed Christmas dinner? Not funny!
Failed Christmas dinner? Not funny!3. Christmas Meal Jokes
With all the pressure of the Christmas meal, it’s always nice to have a few jokes ready in case the food is a disaster. Try lightening the tension with these cute and humorous Christmas jokes.
- A lady shopper raced into the meat department on Christmas Eve in hopes of finding a large turkey. Seeing only small ones she called over a clerk and asked, “excuse me, do these turkeys get any bigger?” The man replied, “No, madam. They’re all dead.”
- A seven-year-old boy was asked to say thanks for the Christmas dinner. The family bowed their heads as he began… “thank you God for Mommy, Daddy, Grandma, and all my aunts and uncles”.
- He then began to thank God for the food. “Thank you for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, and even the cranberry sauce.” Then he paused. The family waited and waited, until the boy finally asked his mother, “if I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won’t he know that I’m lying?”
- A little girl was talking with her friend’s after Christmas. One girl commented, “we had grandma for Christmas dinner.” The little girl’s eyes grew wide. “Really?” she exclaimed. “We had turkey!”
I'm a deep thinker
I’m a deep thinker4. Christmas Quotes
Perhaps being the jokester isn’t your thing. No problem we have compiled a list of quotes that are sure to make you look deep, thoughtful and soulful (just don’t let them know you ripped them off from famous people).
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” Bernard Manning
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” Shirley Temple
“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” Anonymous
“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.” Catherine Tate
Now that you are armed with all sorts of Christmas humor, get out there and be the life of the party. But remember know when to quit. Go out on a high note and keep them wanting more. Otherwise, you just become the annoying person that everyone one wishes would get drunk and dance on the table (with or without pants on).
Merry Christmas!