What’s Christmas without love and laughter? Here are twenty jokes to tickle your funny bone and put you in the right mood for some Christmas cheer. So enjoy some Christmas humor and forward it to all your friends so that they can have a laugh as well!
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
2. Office Holiday Memo
To: All Employees
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
- Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
- Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
- Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”
- Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
- All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
- Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
3. sElf Esteem
Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
4. Christmas Shopping One-Liner
“Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it’s on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.”
5. Optimist vs. Pessimist
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other were their looks. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
6. Your Eggnog’s Too Strong
If you see a fat man…
Who’s jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it…
Your eggnog’s too strong!!!
7. The ‘Clauses’
Saint Nicholas is the main Clause.
His wife is a relative Clause.
His children are dependent Clauses.
Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Clause.
Santa’s elves are subordinate Clauses.
8. Christmas in the Courtroom
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.
9. Three Wise Men
Q: Why weren’t there any nativity scenes in Washington D.C.?
A: They couldn’t find three wise men.
Q: What’s an ig?
A: An eskimo’s home without a loo!
11. Knock Knock
Snow business like show business!
12. Teacher & Pupil
Teacher: If I have 20 cents and ask Ebenezer Scrooge for another 30 cents, how much will I have?
Pupil: 20 cents, teacher!
Teacher: You don’t know your arithmetic.
Pupil: Please, miss, you don’t know Scrooge!
13. A Christmas Thought
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
14. Immediate Downsizing Measures Employed
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance of this season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels, the Internet, and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa’s market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer–who will retrain at the Harvard Business School–is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
15. The 3 stages of man
1. He believes in Santa Claus.
2. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
3. He is Santa Claus.
16. What’s the most popular wine at Christmas?
“Do I have to eat my Brussel sprouts?”
Q: What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly?
A: Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
18. Santa Claus is a woman!
Santa Claus is a woman because:
- The vast majorities of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a last-minute shopping spree.
- A man would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
- Men can’t pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don’t answer their mail.
- Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
19. Christmas Card From Pets:
- We, your cats,
at Christmas say,
Thanks for caring
for us each day.
We love this season,
all green and red,
And by the way,
the hamster’s dead.
- Meow, glub, meow, glub,
a merry Christmas Wish.
Meow, glub, meow, glub,
from your cat and goldfish.
- I’ve always loved
the Christmas Feast.
I’ve heard this year
Too bad I’ve other
plans this time.
Love, Your Pot-bellied Pig named Sam.
20. All I Needed to Know About Life I learned from Santa
- Encourage people to believe in you.
- Always remember who’s naughty and who’s nice.
- Don’t pout.
- It’s as much fun to give as it is to receive.
- Some days it’s ok to feel a little chubby.
- Make your presents known.
- Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.
- Bright red can make anyone look good.
- Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you’ve gained.
- If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you’re very important.
- Whenever you’re at a loss for words, say: “HO, HO, HO!”
Wish your friends and family a Merry Christmas by sending them these wry and funny whimsical jokes. Discover the lighter side of Christmas with this collection of jokes and riddles that are sure to make the whole family go “HO, HO, HO”.